Fair warning... this is my first attempt at a complete review, and
it's quality will be much less than the story being reviewed. Would
that be considered ironic? Anyway, I encourage other members
to review this story (and others) as a range of feedback would be
more useful than just my rambling.
[shadow=red,left,300]He was hungry[/shadow] - by Wehttam
Synopsis-
An unknown catastrophe has brought the world to it's knees,
stripped away it's thin veneer of civility, leaving only the most
base of instincts to guide one's actions.
Fluency- (15/20)
The author knows how to write, however, there are several
instances that would benefit from repeated editing. Spelling
mistakes are nonexistent, as far as I could tell, and the grammar
errors are merely from not catching them during a read through,
not from lack of skill. This is a common occurrence and can only
be remedied with repeated review, which is a grind, unfortunately.
example 1:
“I might just let’cha know if you drop that hammer and
stop pointing my own damn gun at me.” She grinned in a manner
of someone who knows they have their quarry beaten. She did as
asked.First is a format issue - This paragraph knocks me out of the story
as I had to stop and go back a few sentences to figure out who is
saying what.
Second is the last sentence; it's too brief. We don't know why
she did as asked. Was she feeling sorry for the main character?
Suddenly comfortable? (which would be weird) Decided he was
nonthreatening? (which would also be odd) I point this out
because of the stark dangers in the story as a whole - pretty
much no one would be worth letting one's guard down at first
glance. (I realize it says he was 'beaten quarry', but that does
not tranlate to safe)
Also, it might be a good idea to have a few different labels for 'the
lizard brain' which is repeated enough to knock one out of the
story flow.
Characters and setting- (23/30)
The story's setting is not completely described, which is
surprisingly pleasant, as one ends up wondering: Okay, how did
the world end up as this shithole? Very nice, and we'll have to
wait and see how the reveal eventually goes.
Descriptions are well done, and in most instances, appropriate.
One note here: One can be good at descriptions and yet, bog the
story down with information that might detract from the flow of
the story. A professional example for me would be Stephen King,
who I used to read religiously, but as his stories got more wordy,
I moved on to other fare. He's still wildy successful though, so
what the hell do I know.
example:
The revolver’s trigger depressed, the hammer’s tension
was released, and it began its short descend, connecting with the
cartridge’s primer in less than an instant. It detonated, the
powder followed, and the force sent the 200-grain bullet down
the barrel at 1,200 feet per second with an intimidating noise. An
equal amount of force recoiled the gun up and back in the shooter’s
hand.Well, I'm going to assume author is a gun enthusiast. The details
are clear and concise, but something seems amiss. As there is no
connection to this particular setting, this paragraph could be
inserted into any story and not be out of place. Somewhere in
there needs to be an indication of how old and potentially
unreliable everything is - and that would make the needed
connection to the rest of the work. Other than that, as a non-gun
enthusiast, it seems like excessive information, but that is entirely
up to the target audience.
The characters are a little 'cookie cutter' with the exception of the
protaganist, who unfortunately is quite muddled. I actually think
this is the way it was intended, and is quite realistic, but I'm not
sure it makes for a pleasant read overall.
example: The main character is willing to kill without any apparent
moral issues, which is fine, given the scenario. However, later on,
we find him letting two of the most dangerous background
characters go, even though he is relieving them of their weapons,
and booty. (no pun intended (okay, pun intended (yay! triple
brackets))) Then he goes about the same act he'd interrupted
them doing, only now with less security than they had. This can
all be explained away, of course, but as it sits, there is a major
hitch for the reader to get around.
Taking note of my triple bracket comment above: I consider voice
to be the most important aspect of writing. Often times, the
narrators voice will jar a reader out of a story's flow, and can be
something hard to get away from as it is an integral part of the
writers style. Previous works by the author, which I have read,
had a 'loud' narrator, which made them difficult to get through.
The voice in this story is nearly invisible, which is great.
I'm not sure if the author has improved that much over such a
short time frame, or is simply good enough to switch gears at a
whim. Either makes me jealous, but the last...well, let's just say
it: I hate everyone that exhibits greater skill than I.
Plot and theme- (25/30)
It's a little early to tell where the plot is going, and what the
theme is, but overall it looks promising.
Effort- (5/5)
Obviously a ton of effort put into this piece so far. The first rule of
writing might need to be considered here: Once you complete a
work - take a break, have a coffee, feed the cat. Then go back to
it, because it's never complete.
Thread quality- (5/5)
Thread is tidy, but this will change when we get more members.
Originality- (5/5)
Way out in left field with no obvious references in sight.
Logical integrity- (5/5)
Nothing to see here...
Conclusion-
A good read, with a boatload of possibilities to build on. I would
like to take this opportunity to highlight a sentence that made me
laugh out loud:
Then they shoved him to the dirt, and the three of them went
about beating the man to death as efficiently as possible.The way this is worded showcases how violence is merely another
activity for most in this world, and frequently applied in a casual
manner.
(